My Take on Marriage - One Year Later
My Take on Marriage - One Year Later
The fastest growing marital status is that of a divorced person, which is not surprising considering that the number of divorcees has quadrupled since 1970. And, do you know what the #1 cause of divorce is? Marriage! Research the term marriage in any resource, and the response will be overwhelming and discouraging! The number of blonde jokes pale in comparison to marriage jokes and they are all decorated with great bitterness and sarcasm.
You will find things like, Marriage is a wonderful institution. If it were not for marriage, husbands and wives would have to fight with perfect strangers, and, Very often, the only thing that comes between a charming man and a charming woman is the fact that they are married to each other.
Even two of our great and optimistic leaders had no words of encouragement:
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell. It is simply purgatory. --Abraham Lincoln
Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin
It has been said that the 1st year of marriage is the most challenging and so I want to tell you about what I have learned this year.
I have learned that marriage is truly a partnership in every sense of the word. At the risk of sounding unromantic, I have learned that marriage is very much a business deal. You would not open a business with someone just because they make your heart skip a beat or even because you are madly in love with them. Marriage is a joint venture that requires both people to invest their heart, soul, mutual life lessons, and hopes for the future. Those who believe that love is the only thing you need have not gotten married yet, and I say this as a newlywed! Love is absolutely the foundation, but there are many more required ingredients.
Johanna Wolfgang von Goethe says it well, "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished."
Before our wedding, our minister gave us each a questionnaire. We thought it was silly; things like - Have you discussed the delegation of household chores, planned the number of children you are going to have, what your housing costs will be,? And very specific emotional scenarios that you choose your partner's most likely response and even your future in-law's response. We both filled out our sheets, giggling at the trivialness of the questions.
Well, we are both fast learners and found out very quickly that these things are important. We both said, we disagree to the inquiry about whether we felt our independence was in jeopardy, but I have seen actions from both of us showing that we actively, and sometimes defensively, take steps to preserve our independence --usually unwarranted steps.
And, all of a sudden, the little things we used to let slide have become a little bit bigger things based on a larger vested interest. It sounds naive to say I just realized this (but with a 50% divorce rate maybe I'm way ahead of the game!), I have learned this year that his problems are mine and mine are his. Everything that affects his life and his future, whether it is physical, emotional, or financial, now affects mine and vice versa. This should not be a profound statement, but to me it is. I have always lived and let live, accepted all of his idiosyncrasies, and adored his spontaneity. Little things like leaving the toilet seat up (which he says to me, well, wouldn't it be the same thing if I asked you to put it up each time you used it?!?) get a little worse when you think of it annoying you every day for the next 50+ years!
You will find things like, Marriage is a wonderful institution. If it were not for marriage, husbands and wives would have to fight with perfect strangers, and, Very often, the only thing that comes between a charming man and a charming woman is the fact that they are married to each other.
Even two of our great and optimistic leaders had no words of encouragement:
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell. It is simply purgatory. --Abraham Lincoln
Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin
It has been said that the 1st year of marriage is the most challenging and so I want to tell you about what I have learned this year.
I have learned that marriage is truly a partnership in every sense of the word. At the risk of sounding unromantic, I have learned that marriage is very much a business deal. You would not open a business with someone just because they make your heart skip a beat or even because you are madly in love with them. Marriage is a joint venture that requires both people to invest their heart, soul, mutual life lessons, and hopes for the future. Those who believe that love is the only thing you need have not gotten married yet, and I say this as a newlywed! Love is absolutely the foundation, but there are many more required ingredients.
Johanna Wolfgang von Goethe says it well, "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished."
Before our wedding, our minister gave us each a questionnaire. We thought it was silly; things like - Have you discussed the delegation of household chores, planned the number of children you are going to have, what your housing costs will be,? And very specific emotional scenarios that you choose your partner's most likely response and even your future in-law's response. We both filled out our sheets, giggling at the trivialness of the questions.
Well, we are both fast learners and found out very quickly that these things are important. We both said, we disagree to the inquiry about whether we felt our independence was in jeopardy, but I have seen actions from both of us showing that we actively, and sometimes defensively, take steps to preserve our independence --usually unwarranted steps.
And, all of a sudden, the little things we used to let slide have become a little bit bigger things based on a larger vested interest. It sounds naive to say I just realized this (but with a 50% divorce rate maybe I'm way ahead of the game!), I have learned this year that his problems are mine and mine are his. Everything that affects his life and his future, whether it is physical, emotional, or financial, now affects mine and vice versa. This should not be a profound statement, but to me it is. I have always lived and let live, accepted all of his idiosyncrasies, and adored his spontaneity. Little things like leaving the toilet seat up (which he says to me, well, wouldn't it be the same thing if I asked you to put it up each time you used it?!?) get a little worse when you think of it annoying you every day for the next 50+ years!
What I've learned this year is that like everything else you want to be successful, marriage takes work. It takes love, support, cherishment, daily communication, and constant maintenance. It's not what you fight about, but how you fight about it. A successful couple can disagree in a way that makes the relationship stronger and that is what we're working on for year two.
Do you want to know what the real #1 cause of divorce is? Poor communication. Hey?that pastor was right? We do need to measure and set goals for our communication! We do need to budget and share opinions on all the most boring topics in the world.
Psychology Today reports that a leading cause of divorce is that couples begin life in a romantic bliss and are brought down by their inability to navigate the issues that will inevitably crop up. Most couples have not dealt with the problems and crises that life brings before getting married and must learn to do so as a team. Your collective ability or inability to learn and build from these problems will define your marriage.
Famous Psychologist Carl Jung says it this way, "Seldom, or perhaps never, does a marriage develop into an successful relationship smoothly and without crises; there is no coming to consciousness without pain."
There have definitely been a few surprises and realizations this year, but the reason that my marriage will not become a statistic is very simply awareness. We are aware of the obstacles ahead, we are aware of the role communication plays in our relationship, we are aware that we must nurture the things we love most about each other, but mostly we are aware that when you combine love with trust, understanding, consideration, and resourcefulness, it really is all you need.
So, next time he leaves the toilet seat up, or cuts his toenails over the crack in the couch cushion, instead of gritting my teeth, I will remind myself not to sweat the small stuff (while resourcefully thinking to myself, "how can I prevent this same trait in my children?")
So, my take on marriage one year later, is that I - We, have a lot left to learn, overcome, and celebrate! I will borrow the words of author and clergyman, Frederick Buechner to sum it up:
Your life and my life flow into each other as wave flows into wave, and unless there is peace and joy and freedom for you, there can be no real peace or joy or freedom for me. To see reality--not as we expect it to be, but as it is -- is to see that unless we live for each other, and in and through each other, we do not really live; that there can really be life only where there really is, in just this sense, love.
About the Author
Abbie Rusth-McClung, Klamath Falls, Oregon, USA
Abbie Rusth-McClung is currently a student living and working in Klamath Falls, Oregon. She is a newlywed and writes in her spare time.
Do you want to know what the real #1 cause of divorce is? Poor communication. Hey?that pastor was right? We do need to measure and set goals for our communication! We do need to budget and share opinions on all the most boring topics in the world.
Psychology Today reports that a leading cause of divorce is that couples begin life in a romantic bliss and are brought down by their inability to navigate the issues that will inevitably crop up. Most couples have not dealt with the problems and crises that life brings before getting married and must learn to do so as a team. Your collective ability or inability to learn and build from these problems will define your marriage.
Famous Psychologist Carl Jung says it this way, "Seldom, or perhaps never, does a marriage develop into an successful relationship smoothly and without crises; there is no coming to consciousness without pain."
There have definitely been a few surprises and realizations this year, but the reason that my marriage will not become a statistic is very simply awareness. We are aware of the obstacles ahead, we are aware of the role communication plays in our relationship, we are aware that we must nurture the things we love most about each other, but mostly we are aware that when you combine love with trust, understanding, consideration, and resourcefulness, it really is all you need.
So, next time he leaves the toilet seat up, or cuts his toenails over the crack in the couch cushion, instead of gritting my teeth, I will remind myself not to sweat the small stuff (while resourcefully thinking to myself, "how can I prevent this same trait in my children?")
So, my take on marriage one year later, is that I - We, have a lot left to learn, overcome, and celebrate! I will borrow the words of author and clergyman, Frederick Buechner to sum it up:
Your life and my life flow into each other as wave flows into wave, and unless there is peace and joy and freedom for you, there can be no real peace or joy or freedom for me. To see reality--not as we expect it to be, but as it is -- is to see that unless we live for each other, and in and through each other, we do not really live; that there can really be life only where there really is, in just this sense, love.
About the Author
Abbie Rusth-McClung, Klamath Falls, Oregon, USA
Abbie Rusth-McClung is currently a student living and working in Klamath Falls, Oregon. She is a newlywed and writes in her spare time.
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