This is something that we often fail to think about when we're in the throws of passion and love. If we sat sane long enough, we probably would never marry the folks we chose for mates. However, gleaning advice from those with wisdom; smile, grin and bear it if it doesn't kill you. If you must make a point, stand your ground, in particular when it comes to religion, and other things that you won't bend on. If you're choices are okay with your mate, the family should respect that no matter what. The problems facing the two of us are more cultural. However, I must say, that they are nice folks, I just don't like doing some of the things that they enjoy doing. I am happy that we are and will continue to live in an entirely different state; this will hopefully ensure that we build a strong bond together without the intrusion of friends (who are accustomed to using) and family.

Another thing that crosses my mind is that you can agree to disagree, with a smile on your face. Always be pleasant; no one can hate you for that. They can talk about what you don't do and maybe how stuck up you are; you know this to be false. I wish that we could practice this; respect for the cultural differences of others, regardless of class, money ect. I find this to be difficult. It is funny how some cultures want you to embrace their foods/dishes, where if you were to bring something, they wouldn't touch the item. This is what I am referring to when I say "Cultureal Differences."

Excellent advice Belleblanc!

Thanks Belle for the advice!

Thanks for the advice. I have a wonderful relationship with my fh entire family. In fact they introduce me as there daughter, niece, cousin, etc... When I first started dating my fh I would try to be everyone's friend and go to all the family functions and so forth. Me and my fmil almost got into it because she is the type of woman who always in someone's business, like to control things. At first I didnt say anything to her trying to keep the peace, but I noticed that the more I let her say whatever she wanted the more she did. I had to pull her to the side respectfully and tell her that my fh and I are grown and can make our own choses. I informed her that I was dating her son and not her or her family therefore no one should have any imput. She respected me as a woman for coming to her. She actually didnt realize she was interferring. And every since then we have had a wonderful relationship. Now since we started planning this wedding her take charge personality has resurfaced, maybe it's time for another one of those talks before I lose it.

Hey Belle...you posted this a while ago, but I'm just reading it. This post is interesting and so true. Just curious, where's you FH and his family from? You mentioned different cultures. I ask because I'm Liberian, and my FH and family are from South Carolina...two TOTALLY different cultures...but thank God that we all get along together great...

That's good that the two families get alone well.

Excellent advice,Belleblanc.This topic is such a blessing!

I never understood why some in laws are so rude. If I am treating your child the way your child is suppose to be treated then what is the problem.

I guess both parents' (ours and his) have a certain idea for their child's wedding. For instance, we were going to do our wedding at a very beautiful, high end hotel resort in Orlando (about 4 hours away from where we live-but we saved, so we could afford it) because WE wanted to, but his dad went on and on about why can't we get married in a church instead of in front of the very beautiful gazebo at the hotel....even though my Pastor was coming to do the wedding. I broke down and told him that it doesn't matter where you get married, and just because you do it in a church does NOT mean its holier than any other wedding....Now we ended up moving it anyway due to the stress of planning from so far away, and us being so busy, but looking back I think I would have gone forth with that Orlando wedding. His father also likes to ask me about how much we've spent or plan to spend because he knows that asking his own son is a waste of time cause his lips are sealed, so he asks his "sweet daughter-in law"...but I've learned after a few times to just say we are doing our best to cut costs cause we have to live. Our original budget in Orlando got back to him and he went on and on about how we are spending too much and we shouldn't have to spend no more than 3,000- yeah, like in 1970! Ane he even told us where we should honeymoon, and that we didn't need to go to Hawaii or Jamacia, and that we should spend a week visiting all the theme parks in Orlando to same money even though we both have visited them all!....so with the nosy in-laws just let them know that you are handling it and that you are using Godly wisdom to make decisions, with a smile.

They can suer be medley. Trust me I know. My fh insisted that her and my fh aunt handle the rsvp of the invitations. She wants them to come to her house. I cant understand it to save my life.

I guess they THINK they are trying to help, but really they are not. AND they feel bad or respond weird to you if you tell them that the reason you want to do something different is simply because thats just how you want it. I mean, other than this wedding, my futur ein-laws have been great to me. Really they spoil me rotten to the core, which is why I was feeling a little bad when I had to tel his dad, you know, this is what me and my fiance want....My FH was good because he had his lips sealed and just smiled at his dad when they wanted details of the wedding or when he asked what we were spending...which is why his dad would come to me....I mean his dad even tried to talk about us just needing a hotel to "consummate the marriage" and everything and I'm like....WHOA! Too much! So I had to let FH deal with that...Now I make sure I don't left alone with my future FIL cause he just wants to know or discuss EVERYTHING!

Bumblebeekee wrote:

I mean his dad even tried to talk about us just needing a hotel to "consummate the marriage" and everything and I'm like....WHOA! Too much!

LMAO...for real...That's crazy. Some folks just don't know that they have crossed the boundaries. FH has the god-awful tendency to talk to his mother about MY woman problems! I mean HOW embarrassing! I don't want her all up in my stuff like that. That's TOO personal.
I love his family like my own, However his sisters are sometimes out of control. His baby sis to this day is up in arms because she is not a BM. I have five brothers NOT ALL can be in the wedding, bottom line. His older sis is in it -his family representation. ONE of my brothers is in it - my family representation.
Gheesh. Adjustment for real

LOL, that is too funny. I didnt even think about putting his family in my bridal party. I just my friends since childhood.

housewife147 wrote:

LOL, that is too funny. I didnt even think about putting his family in my bridal party. I just my friends since childhood.

Yeah, I knew that I would want one of his sisters in it, and I decided his older sister would be the better choice. Not only that but there are some kids in the family and I couldn't exclude them because it would in turn exclude the parent(s) so if both of his siters were in the party...who did they expect to watch the kids (one a peice) their mother (my FMIL??) I don't think so. It just wouldn't be fair. I guess she can't see the logic in that.
Hope she gets over her hissy fit soon.

Oh well, she has no other choice but to get over it.

I just have a quick question, I was going to invite my fh's cousing and her husband to my wedding. She lives out of town and have three children. Small children. I am now thinking about just inviting her and not extend the invitation to her husband because I dont want children at my wedding. Do you think that is right?

I agree,House.They have to understand that this is YOUR wedding. You're entitled to make your own decisions.

housewife147 wrote:

Thanks for the advice. I have a wonderful relationship with my fh entire family. In fact they introduce me as there daughter, niece, cousin, etc... When I first started dating my fh I would try to be everyone's friend and go to all the family functions and so forth. Me and my fmil almost got into it because she is the type of woman who always in someone's business, like to control things. At first I didnt say anything to her trying to keep the peace, but I noticed that the more I let her say whatever she wanted the more she did. I had to pull her to the side respectfully and tell her that my fh and I are grown and can make our own choses. I informed her that I was dating her son and not her or her family therefore no one should have any imput. She respected me as a woman for coming to her. She actually didnt realize she was interferring. And every since then we have had a wonderful relationship. Now since we started planning this wedding her take charge personality has resurfaced, maybe it's time for another one of those talks before I lose it.

Sorry for responding so late. I usually go to the sight everyday at a certain time; I happen to be off from work today and am on the sight a little earlier than normal. I need to take some computer classes (ha). To answer your question, my husband (We got hitched 12/09/07) is from the Bahamas (Nassau). Their main foods are Conch, Pigeon Peas and Rice, Guavado? and an assortment of fruits and remedies that are very new to me. Before we got married, his mom was insistant on the fact that she cooked for each and every one of her kids weddings. My husband loves his mom very very much. There were so many road blocks with regard to whether or not his mom approved of this and that until I finally had to hold ground and tell him that the ultimate decisions are for us to make, not our parents. He slowly began to break from this. He seemed so hesitant to tell his mother something straight that he would stumble and make it seem as if I was twisting his arm with regard to the decision. I stopped that immediately and made the comment that if my mother and father knew that I was marrying him, they would not approve yet, I chose to make an adult decision for myself, and chose love over the approval of my parents who by the way are looney as hell! Getting back to the cultural thing; I would not have a gathering of 150 people in my home with one bathroom, that is insane. However, being that my husband is from a "different" culture, this is acceptable to them. They are very clean people but, I just don't think that having a party with one bathroom is appropriate; some people, especially women are funny about using the bathroom of others especially when you've got men using that same bathroom. I think this might have been offensive to a certain extent. They moved the party to his sister's backyard which was so nice. It wasn't the amount of folks that he anticipated and I was grateful for that. My new husband was in seventh heaven with fried Conch fritters, Conch salad, Guavado, stewed goat, ox-tails, fish heads ect. I was expected to try everything. Now, mind you, at the wedding, filet mignon and black grouper were the two main entrees; I heard complaints from some, and the thing that really pissed me off (Considered Tacky As Well) was that they were changing what they ordered on their RSVP cards which is something you don't do, as it can be extra money for the bride and groom. Getting back to the party, I tasted everything except the Conch salad; I don't think that I would have liked that very much. Everything else was good. He brought some stuff back to the hotel and he was eating the items like I would be running behind a good piece of pie. He kept asking me if I wanted more; he did this several times to where it began to irritate me and I had to tell him this, "Okay okay, I tasted the item, I liked it but, it's not something that I gotta have." You act as if I grew up with these foods or something. I think I hurt his feelings but, if I were to offer him greens, he'd have a fit, let me tell you!

hw147-I felt that there was no other way. I needed my F-Sis-in laws to be there and they both have children w/no alternative for childcare.
In your case I would invite just your (FH's)cousin and then give her a follow up phone call to make sure you haven't sent her the wrong message by excluding her husband.
I know that if it was me...If I'm invited...rest assured my FH will be right there with me. (I think I could possibly take offence(sp?) at the exclusion)I would never bring in a bus load of kids with us though...That's just wrong.
But if you have the room (and budget) include her husband, but let them know that it is an adults only (even if not exactly) ceremony & reception. If they want to share in your celebration they will make arrangements for child care for a quick weekend getaway.
Let us know what you do.

I agree. You cannot invite the wife and not the husband. I wld however let them know it is an adult only affair. Let them make the decision if someone needs to stay or if they can get a sitter

BUMP!


My in-laws are great...I am cousin/daughter this and that....My own family...Its first-name basis (my mom's side), but definitely not as informal as I am with his family. On my dad's side, they are like (referring to DH) how is my nephew/son/cuz!...I don't know whats up with my mom's side....they are just not used to it yet...DH doesn't mine....They like him though...I think my aunts and uncle just don't like the fact that they are getting old....(too bad), but like I said...they like him, and think he's cute.....They are the type of people (mom's side) who couldn't accept or acknowlege being a grandparent when their children have children...Shoot my uncle has a daughter thats like 3 years older than his grandson.....so there you go...

I'm quite lucky in that both our families knew each other before we got together. I go round to my mother in law's all the time and I call her "momma" - despite saying that I would never call any one else mum apart from my own mum. My mother lives in St Lucia, so MIL is the next best thing!

FH gets on well with my family too - in fact my mum calls him "her boy!" It's cool really but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we're are both from ST Lucia and we have the same sort of background. I was with a guy from Jamaica for 7 years and although the relationship was cool, I had a bit of a struggle trying to convince my family that we were going to work out. Although they liked him, there was a sense of them not being comfortable with the fact that I wanted to be with a Jamaican. Not that they discriminate, but they sensed that his family always had the "big island, small island" mentality and itcaused a bit of a strain.

Now, everything is so easy and it feels right - and that's not only because I found the right man, but because both families are behind our relationship. I'm not saying you always need your families' approval to survive your relationship, but it makes it a hell of a lot easier!!

Bump!

Newlyweds: How have things been going with the in-laws!?!?!

My parents and the rest of my family love my DH. He has charmed them all including my 89-year old grandmother who told me that I better be good to him or SHE might have to steal him away! LOL! I get along excellently with his extended GA family as well. They are gold! I've mentioned before that his parents are deceased and he is an only child. We do have different cultures since I'm from the VI and he's from VA. However, I feel we have more similarities than differences. Since I have cousins who were born and raised in SC, I'm also used to being around southern people.

DH LOVES my family and they LOVE him!!! it is like he has always been a part of US... LOL

His family on the other hand (he only has 3 sisters) is a different story...he doesn't even really have a relationship with them now-and the sister that was in our wedding me and her had a MAJOR disagreement so we have NO RELATIONSHIP...But...new season, new day0-who knows what God has planned... :0