I have a friend (we'll call her Trish) who ended her 9-year relationship with her boyfriend a few months before my DH and I got engaged. Trish's relationship with her boyfriend wasn't ended on her terms. She loved him very much and wanted him to marry her. However, he wasn't loving her the way she wanted to be loved, and he wasn't ready to make that comittment. So, they argued, and their relationship ended one day. Anyway, Trish has a tendency to compare herself to me letting me know how blessed I am compared to her. However, I've repeatedly told her that things just didn't get handed to me. In fact, she's been there to see me work on some things in my life for awhile now with God's help.

Trish has suffered from depression for years and was seeing a therapist and taking medication for depression. When DH and I became engaged, I told her and another friend of ours that week. I know I had every right to my joy, but I kept my excitement to a minimum in an effort to be sensitive to her situation. Our friend even asked me if I wasn't excited because I was being so low-key. I let him know my reasons for being low key. I would have liked to share my excitement and my planning more with Trish, but I really didn't want to drive her over the edge or something. For me, my feelings were further verified when she didn't ask me anything about my planning as the weeks went on. Nada. Not my dress, our venue, nada. So, I accepted that.

After breaking-up with her boyfriend, Trish started dating a married man (jumping from the frying pan into the fire). She tried to keep it to herself, but it was very obvious to me. I know she knew it was wrong, so I didn't feel the need to chastise her. A friend of mine at work advised me to love Trish from a distance, since she was involved with this married man. I agreed it was good advice and just called her on occasion.

Now, I think that Trish is no longer seeing the married man. I would like to spend some time with Trish again, i.e. renew our friendship. However, I guess I'm feeling cautious. I don't want to hear her comparing herself to me anymore. That doesn't solve anything. I also don't want her acting jealous around me and my husband. My friend at work told me she went thru a similar situation with her own cousin acting evil towards her for years after she and her husband were engaged and married.

What would you do?

Vi,

i feel like you were telling my story... I went thru the same thing with my best friend (that played a part in hooking up DH and myself). she assumed that we would only be a fling for a short period and when the relationship for us started to develop stronger and her married started going downhill, things changed...She would try to make me feel guilty for spending time with DH and not her. we stopped talking for a while wh I had my son and then tried to renew the friendship, started off well till I was engaged and talking marriage (she was divorced by then) she didnt even come to the wedding. me knowing her and the person she is, and her ex husband was in our wedding too, I didnt hold that against her cause I expected that already. so we tried once again but she has really distanced herself from me. so i will see if she comes back around, if not, it wasnt meant to be...



I said all that to say, lol, give it a try...see how things go, hopefully Trish is a new person now and sees things differently and you two can get a goodfiendship going without that type of barrier to push you away. give it a try one more time...maybe talk to her about how that affects you ( i am sure you have in the past) but maybe let her know that is what pushes you away from her...?

Unfortunately there are some people who are not mature enough to handle a friendship when their lives are spiralling out of control and yours seems to be solid. I too have had a similar friendship and decided to let the friendship go. It was just too stressful for me.



However recently, I've had an opportunity to reconnect with her. I have accepted the fact that the relationship will never be the same and I am ok with that. I am just grateful that we are able to call each other from time to time to say hello. A mutual friend of ours has also said that she would like for us to all go out for dinner. That would be nice as well, but that's the extent of it. We were so close at one point, but I honestly don't think we can ever be that close again.



Vi, your relationship with Trish may never be the same. It takes two people to keep a friendship alive and healthy. If she's not willing to pull her weight in all of this, then she may go back to acting jealous. Hopefully, she can be mature move beyond her emotions and rekindle the friendship. That will take her being able to truly be happy for you inspite of whatever she's going through.



My advice to you is to move cautiously.

VIPrincess, I would just set bounds within the friendship with her. I would talk to her on occasion but be careful not to let the toxicity take over you.

I have some friends who have said and done some things to me that I did not like. I am still friends with them but I am careful about certain things with them.

Hopefully, loving her from a distance will help but if not then you have to weight letting the relationship go.

Wow, VIPrincess, I feel your pain, but as someone who suffered from depression from a long time, I can understand both side of the coin. Not that I was jealous of my friends or anything, but lots have happened in my life to question my faith in God to the point of wishing I were just dead. But what helped me was a wonderful psychotherapist/psychologist. I was placed on a wonderful medication for years and with my weekly sessions, I was able to make my way back and claim my life. Depression is a very serious thing. She may have gone through things that she didn't want to talk about and she compares herself to you as a way of saying that things seems to be working out for you while her life is spiralling downwards.



My suggestion to you is that if you wish to renew your friendship with "Trish", proceed with caution. You should also be honest with her in telling her that you've missed her as a sister and a friend and would like to take steps to heal your friendship. You should also advise her that you may not know what she has been going through, but you could just just imagine just how unbearable it is to carry such pain around for so long and maybe it's time to let go of the baggages that holds her down. Ask her if she didn't think of getting either spiritual or just main stream counseling. Tell her that it may help to speak with someone she doesn't know, who is qualified and wouldn't pass judgements.



Doing all that she has done, she was looking for love in all the wrong places and may have an issue with low self-estime because otherwise, why would she stay in a relationship for so long that seemed at cross-purposes to what she wants out of life and then jump into a relationship with a married man no less, knowing how wrong it is and knowing that it would be very temporary? I would say to encourage counseling, whether it be spiritual or otherwise, but while she's seeking counseling to work on herself, just tread very carefully. Don't go full steam ahead and include her in everything right off the bat. It may be more than she can handle at this time. Maybe as she begin to work more and more on herself and be happy with herself and accept herself, she'll be the friend that you both want her to be.



Good luck to you sister.

I appreciate all that you are telling me. Yes, Trish has had some heartbreaks. Her father passed when she was a pre-teen. Her grandmother who she loved dearly passed a few years ago. She also suffers from asthma severely. As far as I know, she is still seeing her Christian therapist. She started seeing one again about a year or so ago when she could get some medical coverage and is taking her medication.



You're right Ginoue, she does suffer from low self-esteem. I've seen pics where she was quite small in high school, but her weight has ballooned, and she is very self-conscious about it. She told me at the time that she was staying with her boyfriend because she loved him so much and that she didn't believe anybody else would want her. She had been going to some exotic dancing classes for excercise but stopped when she broke up with her boyfriend. A few months after they broke up, she suffered a nervous break down. I know she started going to the excercise classes again, and I hope that helps her.



I do tell her that she needs to heal herself on the inside before getting into a relationship. She has to love herself before anyone can love her. I pray for her, and like you all mention, I think I will move cautiously. She's a good person, and I wish her the best. It hurts my heart to see what she's been through.

You're a wonderful friend VIPrincess and although it may not look like it, I know she appreciates your friendship very much. It will take her a while, but she will be okay on the long run. Therapy will help her believe that she's worth a whole lot more than she's been getting. Unfortunately, she will have to work on that herself with the help of her therapist. The only thing you can do is continue to pray for her and be there for her. As she heals, your friendship will be the stronger for it.



I will continue to keep your friend in my prayers.

and maybe you guys can take a class or something together. Having someplace to be and someone to be there with really helps when you are down. I am soooo glad that she left that married man alone. She deserves her own man. We all do!

Ditto, I agree ViPrincessBride, you are a wonderful friend. I wish you guys all the best!

michelerdh2005 wrote:

and maybe you guys can take a class or something together. Having someplace to be and someone to be there with really helps when you are down. I am soooo glad that she left that married man alone. She deserves her own man. We all do!

Michele, that may be a good place to start. I had attended a few of those, ahem, classes with her. So, maybe I'll go to some more. I'm sure DH will appreciate it too! *wink*

Once when I was depressed and grieving a loss a friend and my sister would come to spend a day with me every week. I dont know how I would hve gotten through that winter without them. having a standing date with another person was the highlight of my week. the two of them were just awesome then.

Hang in there VIPrincess. I think that maybe she probably felt that she would be loosing your friendship as well once you're married. With her seeing that you're not giving up on her would probably make her feel strong enough to try and work harder on herself.



My own depression was caused by a lot of different things like getting married and divorced at such a young age, being disinherited by my entire family, being abandoned with 3 young children to care for and having family members dying like flies. It's a lot for a young girl of 23 to handle all at once. It took me nearly a decade to work on myself and along the way, God brought some truly positive people in my life. I can certainly understand what your friend is going through, having gone through some of it myself, but rest assured that God will see her through the other side as well.

Ginoue wrote:

Hang in there VIPrincess. I think that maybe she probably felt that she would be loosing your friendship as well once you're married. With her seeing that you're not giving up on her would probably make her feel strong enough to try and work harder on herself.


My own depression was caused by a lot of different things like getting married and divorced at such a young age, being disinherited by my entire family, being abandoned with 3 young children to care for and having family members dying like flies. It's a lot for a young girl of 23 to handle all at once. It took me nearly a decade to work on myself and along the way, God brought some truly positive people in my life. I can certainly understand what your friend is going through, having gone through some of it myself, but rest assured that God will see her through the other side as well.

G, thank you very much for your valuable input. I'm very happy for your recovery. You deserve every happiness that comes your way. God bless you. It is important to maintain friendships after marriage if possible. I'll do my best.

It was so classy of you to keep your exciting news of your engagement low key to spare "trish's" feelings. It's quite normal to feel envious of someone who has a happy relationship when yours is suffering. Her depression was something that was difficult for her to manage, and so I think comparing herself to you just might have been a grass is greener type emotion. She may do that with most situations and everyone's life would seem easier to her than her current situation.



You sound like a really good friend. Reach out to her, but I wouldn't do things with her and invite your husband. She seems fragile and being faced with a happy couple may still be overwhelming for her in the face of her adulterous relationship.