Something on your mind Bumble?

Yeah,
My husband is weary about letting my brother and SIL stay with us for one night (baby sis is graduating college in May) in our 1/1 because he is "uncomfortable" which I can understand. They want to save $$ cause there are 2 weddings this summer that they plan to attend. The only bathroom in the apartment is in the bedroom so they'd have to come in the room as we sleep. We fought about this 2 years ago when they came back from their honeymoon, and wanted to stay one night because there were no hotels under 200 available as there was graduations that weekend. They didn't stay or well I forgot, but I told him he was selfish, he said whatever....So it came up again, and my brother is waiting for an answer and DH has brushed me off cause he can understand how weird it is to tell my brother "no". Even more so because my brother knows it would be b/c my DH said so, not me. I don't mind the sacrifice. I am aggravated, I have put it in God's hands waiting for a word from him, and I feel my husbands stubborness is unwarranted. Any advice? Maybe I am over exaggerating.

wow Bumble..this is a tough situation, but I think that if the issue was a no 2 yrs ago, maybe he can compromise this yr...I think it is only fair...he bathroom in bedroom situation can be worked out.  Of course it is only 24 hrs...I am sure he can handle it for that long!
Girl, I applaud you for your patience and understanding-that is something I continually pray for God to give me (when it comes to letting hubby make decisions where I am concerned) because if it was me..I would make the decision and deal with his wrath later! LOL  I guess I am still not in the US mode on some issues..but still in the ME mode...

Bumble ...why do you feel like YOU're over exaggerating? I kept reading your post, hoping that I was mistaking on them staying more than 1 day ..thinking you may have meant 1 week, month or something more.
 
 
How many times would a grown couple have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night? I would think it would be no more different then you'll having company, and them having to use the bathroom and have to come through your bedroom.
 
 
Something tells me that this is more than a bathroom situation and it's only for one night? Is it a situation between your brother and your husband ...maybe one that you don't know about? Also would this mean that NO family could "come" over in hopes they won't have to use the bathroom, and maybe even stay over?
 
 
I know you say your husband is stubborn (at times) ...on this situation though, I would advise you continue to talk to him to see what's really up, not that you're trying to change his mind ...but so that you can reasonably understand his decision making.
 
 
I'm not the best advise giver, but I hope that helped and hope that talking about it can make it better for you.

soon2bmsj wrote:

Girl, I applaud you for your patience and understanding-that is something I continually pray for God to give me (when it comes to letting hubby make decisions where I am concerned) because if it was me..I would make the decision and deal with his wrath later! LOL  I guess I am still not in the US mode on some issues..but still in the ME mode...

OMG, this sounds sooo much like me.  I wouldn't have even asked, just probably would have dropped it on DH in passing that my brother IS coming over to stay one night, daring him to say something different.  Me and my family are very close and if me & dh need to be slightly cramped in order to accomadate them for a night, then so be it, cramped it is.
I'm thinking T is right, maybe there is something else going on. Another talk is definetly warranted.

People feel differently about having visitors especially if they have to share a bathroom and even more especially if the bathroom is in the bedroom. You might be really close to your brother, but your husband might not feel the same way. Don't make him feel that he's selfish because this is how he feels...and it's not just your brother it's 2 additional people. I think it's always good to check with your spouse if visitors are coming to the house even if it's just one night, even if it's family. That is a space that you share, and I think you want them to feel that they are apart of the decision-making.

On the other hand, there is a saying that it's better to ask forgiveness than ask permission. However, I don't think you need your husband's "permission", you just want to know that he's fine with the situation.

If I were your family member or friend, I would let you offer me a space to stay rather than ask it of you. If you said that it was inconvenient, I would be fine with that and make the sacrifice of paying for a hotel room. I wouldn't want to impose, and I especially wouldn't want to cause problems between a husband and wife. There are times some people even prefer to stay at a hotel rather than stay with family because they know that the house is already crowded for example.

I knew I wasn't crazy. He is being a baby about it. And the fact that we have to even have this discussion just irks me. Sometimes he can be so crude. To make matters worse, there IS NO situation between him and my brother. Thats why my brother asked with no hesitation or reservations. But I will ask him anyways. They wanted to ride with us down south so they wouldn't have to put too many miles on their new car last Christmas and he just whined: Why they have to rise with us? I knew its because he wanted to listen to his rap, and my brother doesn't really listen to that. But I will get in his face about it because something has to stop. I am ALWAYS giving DH the benefit of the doubt but enough is enough. The more he can get away with it the more he won't budge.
 
At the very very least I know he has issues with family members asking for favors. All his life he watched his fathers brothers and brothers in laws use their family for money. Claim they need money then show up with new this and that. So I know that may be an underlying issue. But he needs to get over it. Sure my brother is not hurting for money, but him and his wife have 2 more weddings in Florida that they are in, weeks after this graduation so why not help them save money?

Now see, I asked him again, and he comes right back (via email) asking me to see what my parents are going to do. He is hoping they rent a suite so that my brother and his wife can stay with them. So I said, in the event my parents can't even make it (my mom is not working right now), but they likely will.....they may rent a regular hotel for 2, then what? I told him we still should open our home up just in case.
 
His main complaint last time is that he felt like he was being forced to do something he wasn't comfortable with. I am so through with him....I have been getting off my game trying to be Mrs. Holywife, but the older I get I lose a little patience with this dude. I know the Holy Ghost is on me for sure cause I have been keeping quiet. But just pray for me if you see me on CNN/Fox/Good Morning America with my hands cuffed! "Young Wife loses it on her husband....They can't find the body"
 
I let a lot of stuff go cause I choose happiness. I choose to let God deal with him as He sees fit cause I have to keep moving. We have a great relationship and I guess this is one of those very few things that for some would be a deal-breaker. I am interested to see how this turns out. Even if they end up not staying with us, I am not worried, my baby brother is a Deacon and Minister-in-Training and they don't get offended by this stuff. He knows I married a stubborn man and God is still dealing with my husband....Last time I was so embarrassed and stressed, and I refuse this time!

Bumble, is your husband in a fraternity?  I find that fraternity men are much more willing to share their space especially with another frat brother. It comes from being online and having to share everything. They are very willing to pitch-in. My husband is in TWO fraternities and although he's an only child, he is so generous and willing to share. If you need help moving, he's there! ...need I say more.

....and some men are like that naturally or it's something they've learned in their own families.

Bumblebeekee wrote:

They wanted to ride with us down south so they wouldn't have to put too many miles on their new car last Christmas and he just whined: Why they have to rise with us?

This does sound a bit trifling. It's just a ride. I know you're trying, but you've made it clear that he doesn't like to feel like he's being forced to do something. I don't think any of us like that feeling. That's a deep feeling that he has and that's not going to change overnight. Pray for him that he becomes more willing to open his heart to your family. It makes me wonder how open he is to his own sisters/brothers, if any, and willing to help them.

No fraternities girl. He loathes them. He loves his brother and sister. Goes all out for them. He is a great gift-giver. Spends months looking for the perfect gift for folks. Yeah he is a little trifling, and the fact that he was so uncomfortable about them staying over last time made me give in because I don't want to be blamed for guilting someone into doing something. Especially my own husband.
I will continue to pray for the man. He is alright, I just don't appreciate being brushed off. It also makes me look crazy, and puts me in a spot. This is my brother for goodness sakes. When I go to Atlanta, they take care of me, if I need anything they look out. DH claims its the space. If we had a second bedroom (And I am looking for a new apt now) then he would feel fine....We even checked out an apartment complex in our price range last week: A 2/1.5 townhome. He complained about the bathroom upstairs being OUTSIDE the bedroom and he has to actually walk outside the bedroom to get to the bathroom...I said "duh dummy so if we have guests they don't have to come in the bedroom to go to the bathroom"....he shut up then....Can't please people!

Bumble...you shouldn't have to deal with it twice! Before they need to stay (fussing with DH about it) and after they leave (feeling bad bc they couldn't stay 1 night!) ...I say, let them come and deal with it once ...the beef you gonna have anyway when they leave. Shoot once is enough.
Ok, I'm not really telling you to do that ...I'm saying that's where I would be right now ...bc you shouldn't have to deal with it twice ...goodness!

You're right!
I tend to just get a hotel myself. I don't really ask people for a place to stay unless I really need to. I am just through...i am going to let the cards fall where they may and let it just play out.

It does put you in the middle. My advice is to PRAY HARD, then sit down with him and try to have a calm conversation about how this affects you and your relationship...tell him that you feel that you are in the middle, that you feel frustrated, and helpless...and how much you would like to help your brother and his wife. You're married. So, now your brother is his brother too.

If it was just the space, then he wouldn't have objected to giving them a ride. He really seems uncompromising, but in marriage you have to compromise. Put your heads together, and try to come up with a good solution.

Wow Bumble, my heart goes out to you.  I agree with ViPrincessBride.  You should pray hard about this. 
You are talking about family staying one night.  It shouldn't be something that causes a problem between you and your hubby. 
Personally, I would let them stay.  But that's me.  In any event.  I wish you guys all the best!
 

As a person who loves her space i can sort of see where your husband is coming from. I would maybe just let this one go. I mean if he wont talk about it I guess he is trying to avoid fighting over it.

Hi Bumble, it is a difficult one!!But I can see where both of you are coming from and obviously more you than him. But some people just dont like being crowded, especially by their in-laws no matter how well they get along!! ONE night is not such a big deal. But I think with that being said, you can take turns, last time he had his way this time it can be your turn. Besides he might actually find its not as bad as he thought it would be, he will never know until he tries. And you know what- I think by the time they come, you two will realise that you spent more time worrying about this than they would actually spend in your house -

Bumblebeekee wrote:

His main complaint last time is that he felt like he was being forced to do something he wasn't comfortable with. I am so through with him....I have been getting off my game trying to be Mrs. Holywife, but the older I get I lose a little patience with this dude. I know the Holy Ghost is on me for sure cause I have been keeping quiet. But just pray for me if you see me on CNN/Fox/Good Morning America with my hands cuffed! "Young Wife loses it on her husband....They can't find the body"!

You are so funny! LOL. You have a right to be upset. It is just plain inhospitable., I read everyone's post and I am not surprised by the shocked reactions you have been getting. I would have said, "My brother is gonna stay her overnight. Isn't that great? Are you gonna get extra beer or do you want me to pick it up?" [url=javascript:EmotionsDialog.insert('smiley-innocent.gif','emotions_dlg.innocent');][/url]
See if you can give him a compromise or a special treat for indulging you this one time.

Rosie, you're a veteran in this married life bizness, and that's why it's good you're here. I thought of something similar myself, you know, with her telling him that it would be worth his while. *wink* but then I thought against it because then I started to think that she shouldn't have to bribe him for such simple requests that mean a lot to her. He should just realize how important this is and say yes without the benefit of rewards. People do good deeds all the time without rewards. If it were 3 nights then they could compromise and go with 2 nights instead....but it's 1 night, so where do you go from there? I think Bumble wants a permanent change with how he handles family favors. He seems stuck on "no" when he really should give a little when these types of things come up because this definitely won't be the last time. I think Jim Carey starred in a movie about a guy also stuck on the word "No" until he starts saying "Yes" to life. Here it is:  
Maybe she should rent that and watch it with him. I'm not saying that he should become a "Yes Man." Who wants that?  However, he could open his mind to the possibilities of the good that can happen when he says "yes" to these family favors sometimes. For one, he could bridge a closer relationship with Bumble's family as well as his own. Let that be his reward.

Its done.
I got tired of him brushing me off. I just hounded him for an answer. He said he needed to know what my mom was going to do, and when is the graduation so he can see what he is going to say. Chile men are not that complicated I am learning. My Taurus is just stubborn.
I said I really don't care what he decides because I just need to tell my brother something. My baby brother is 26, an ordained Deacon, and a Minister-in-training. He is also a big-boy. ANd stuff like that doesn't offend him...But even still my husband needs a lesson in hospitality, and he needs to be delivered of his mistrust or worrying about being used by others....Family history (another blog)
So I played it his way and got the information he needed, but every 30 seconds I said "Yes or No Gen?"....Well he said yes but he finally admitted that he knows I would have said yes, and if he says no, he would look like the bad guy....Oh boo hoo....I kissed him on the lips, and said I understand, but when you want to be the "man of the house" you are gonna look like the bad guy sometimes, so get over it.... And yesterday my brother called from Atl screaming about snow so he ain't even thinking about it................Ugh. Men.
 
Thanks ladies.

Bumblebeekee wrote:

Its done.
I got tired of him brushing me off. I just hounded him for an answer. He said he needed to know what my mom was going to do, and when is the graduation so he can see what he is going to say. Chile men are not that complicated I am learning. My Taurus is just stubborn.
I said I really don't care what he decides because I just need to tell my brother something. My baby brother is 26, an ordained Deacon, and a Minister-in-training. He is also a big-boy. ANd stuff like that doesn't offend him...But even still my husband needs a lesson in hospitality, and he needs to be delivered of his mistrust or worrying about being used by others....Family history (another blog)
So I played it his way and got the information he needed, but every 30 seconds I said "Yes or No Gen?"....Well he said yes but he finally admitted that he knows I would have said yes, and if he says no, he would look like the bad guy....Oh boo hoo....I kissed him on the lips, and said I understand, but when you want to be the "man of the house" you are gonna look like the bad guy sometimes, so get over it.... And yesterday my brother called from Atl screaming about snow so he ain't even thinking about it................Ugh. Men.
 
Thanks ladies.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I know soon. But today is our 2 year anniversary so I have to move on!!! But sometimes the man just drives me crazy. I wrote him a note and left it for him this morning about how wondeerful a husband he is-cause I had to remind him that even though I give him a hard time, I know he is trying. In my heart I know I have to keep him on his toes...As wives thats our jobs ya know?!

Bumblebeekee wrote:

But today is our 2 year anniversary so I have to move on!!! 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! any special plans?!?!?!?

Bumble, I'm glad you worked it out. Happy Anniversary!

Glad things worked out for you Bumble!  Happy Anniversary to you and your hubby!  God bless!