Re: When the FH cheats, broken hearted :(

You know what I am not sure whether my heart is whats telling me to leave, or my head. I keep thinking that this has taught me that noone ever really knows what goes on in people's relationships, and that I cant judge. I was always the first one telling people to leave, or that they were stupid for staying, isnt it funny, how when it happens to you its never that clear. Sensationablyhappy- you know what its so strange but you are right, I think in my heart of hearts, I know i deserve better...but this is who my heart chose to love which is really messed up

Girl you don't know how well I understand what you are going through. First of all, you have to pray and keep praying, because your head and your heart and your emotions are all in conflict. If you do decide to stay, or even if you don't I would advise to try and convince him to go through some counseling. Also look online for some christian counseling articles and resources.

One thing to understand about men and all people in general, is when they mess up and get caught, they just wish it was all over and things could go back to normal. They don't want to hear about it, think about it or anything. They just want to compartmentalize what happened and act like it is not supposed to affect other things, areas of the relationship etc.

Although he should be open, understand that he is having a natural and common reaction, its not so much that he doesn't care, but that he doesn't like feeling the hurt and consequences that come along with hurting you.

Also, whether you stay with him or not, don't forget to look at yourself and what role you had in the situation. PLEASE NOTE I DO NOT MEAN THAT IT IS YOUR FAULT THAT HE CHEATED, but be sure to see what was happening around the relationship during the time that it happened and if you were a part of it. Please believe it was the hardest thing in the world for me to do, but it was a worthwhile thing. I had to look at some things in myself that weren't all that great to see.

But most of all pray, I found that after I decided to stay I found it so hard to trust, but it just so happened Sunday pastor was talking about relationships and he said something that was so profound. We know as women we are supposed to submit to our husbands and so many times we find it hard to do because we are scared to be hurt or taken advantage of or whatever. But pastor said that in those times when you can't trust him, trust God. When you find yourself stressing pray for him. That's the best and all you can do. Sometimes rather than arguing and getting upset with him, just state your case calmly and pray that God give him clarity, understanding and that God move him toward right action.

Praying and trusting God is the best and only way to get peace in a crazy sitaution

Well ladies, it just so happened that I just went through that exact situation this morning.

FH jsut came in about 2 this morning hanging with his cousins that he hadn't spoken to in eight years which was fine by me because a man needs some space every now and then. So he came home and went straight into the restroom, which was odd because he would usually slap me on the a$$ to let me know he has made it in. So I laid there thinking maybe he taking a shower. OK no water running, so I go to the door and it's locked and I hear him talking. So I bam on the door and ask him who is he talking to. Of course he says no one. So I left it at that and we do the dam thang.

Well I woke up about six getting ready for work and notice that his phone isn't on the charger. (OK I WAS LOOKING FOR IT.) So I started looking around in our closet and it is under one of his hats. Well it was one number on it that he called sbout five times and he had two messages. (YES I LISTENED TO THE MESSAGES) Little mama said that she was in love with him and she enjoyed the time that they spend together and that she was feeling him and want to start a relationship. (BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU LOOK FOR HUH? )

I woke him up going off and of course he don't know what I'm talking about, but told me not to call and start trouble. So I told him the wedding is off and if he is so unhappy to go ahead and leave.

Ivy, I've tried to sit back and look and myself to see what the problem is, but that is not working. When I get off work everything at home is taken care of. The kids, cooking, cleaning, etc. He even have my bath water running and my clothes for work picked out for me. I tell him I love him and appreciate evrything he do for me and the kids.I've been working twelve hour shifts to cover bills when work slows done for him. Baby I even put on the g-strings and heels whenever he wants to be pleasured, whether I'm tired or not. We've been together going on eleven years now. We have been here in the beginning, but the last five years have been wonderful. So what did I do wrong? Why should I give him another chance? When it comes to sex, He gets WHATEVER! YES, INCLUDING THAT!!! So what do I do now ? :(

Girl, this is to fresh for you to be looking at yourself. You do that after some time has passed. But I would say to get your thoughts together, write them down even, take some time for yourself to decide what it is that you want and then confront him. But when you confront him, make sure you give him a chance to talk ( he probably won't take it, but do it anyway to be fair) then let him know how this makes you feel, honestly. Because of course your mad, but when that passes what do you really feel. And you have to pray, sometimes in our anger we forget to do that or we are just so angry we don't want to pray. Praying causes us to have to move past the anger. As long as we are angry we feel like we don't hurt as much. Its when we have to confront our sadness and dissapointment that we break down.

Regardless of whether you stay or go, let him know how you feel.

I can't say what anyone should do in any situation, but I am a person that stayed and still struggle with it. Its not going to be easy either way, its all about what you feel in your heart.

Thanks you made me feel better.

Sisters...I just wanted to add ...that NO not any of us, want to go through this or any type of heartbreak...HOWEVER God puts his best people through trials to help the next soilder...

Ivy, Soon, Rhony, Ginoue, and I know there's more ladies to name...God has used these ladies, made these ladies stronger than what they ever thought they could ever be ...and believe it wasn't for them, it was for HIS GLORY!

The battle is never ours ...it's the Lord's ...

Pray for clarity sweetie, listen, then move according to HIS will..:)

Good words of advice from you ladies...
I have been in that situation before not with FH (not knowingly anyway)and I will admit it made me very bitter!!! I realize now how I allowed it to control me instead of me controlling it! I agree with Ivy to a certain extent-except I am not too sure about examining yourself or what was happening at that time because regardless of what is going on, if you guys have made a committment to each other NO WEAPON (any issues, arguments/disagreements etc) should warrany either party to go out and seek what they feel they are not getting out of the committed relationship; communication is the key-if it ain't right give me to opportunity to make it right before you bring someone from the outside into our relationship. Just my opinion!! let me get off of my Sista Soulja mode... :)

No I don't mean to validate what he did, but to do it to improve yourself for the next relationship or to work on the current one. For example, if you got so into the planning of the wedding and that was all you were talking about and you were neglecting your FH needs and not giving him the attention you normally would, that DOES NOT give him any sort of right to go cheat, but it is something that you should look at and see where you could change or improve.

Put it like this he SHOULD have voiced his concerns regarding what you were doing or not doing or the lack of attention he was getting rather than cheating. He didn't do what he should have done, and of course that is the focus, but that doesn't make the lack of attention not an issue, do you see what I mean?

Dreamgurl & Atown:

I am so sorry you are going through this. When I went through a similar situation my first response was that I wanted to break up. After we spent a couple days away from one another I was more willing to sit down and talk about what happened because intially there was no talking to me, I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. I was torn because I too always thought I would never be one to stay with someone who had been unfaithful but I've since learned to NEVER say what you won't do. If you think you never will, then that just means you're yet to meet that one for which you will. I had to search deep and concentrate on all the good of our relationship and ask myself was I willing to let the man I took the time to polish up sparkle for the next woman. Would I let the fruits of my labor be enjoyed elsewhere? Did I want to start all over again? Was what happened really unforgiveable? Asking myself these questions worked for me. In my particular case, I knew the fling he started wasn't to the point where he was emotionally attached. If he had been, the outcome may have been different but I can't say. Women tend to attach themselves much more easily to a man but although the man may enjoy the company of someone, he isn't necessarly attached to them which is why the other woman confesses whatever she is feeling and he doesn't, especially if he has someone else. When a man has someone and the other women knows it, sometimes she confesses "love" thinking it may somehow sway the man to thinking twice about who really should be "wifey". It's done out of desperation. It doesn't mean that the depth of that relationship compares in anyway to what you two share. Not saying that should make you feel any better, but just something to think about. I've been there, done that and was left brokenhearted because of it, so I know.

Right now you need time to focus on you and what you are feeling. Whatever you decide, it's the right decision for you so don't let anyone around you tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Ultimately it's you has to live with whatever decision you make. I wish you all the best and here with a listening ear if needed.

Dreamgurl and Atown, let me say that my heart goes out to you both. I understand. I pray that your hearts will heal and that God's will is done in both of your lives.

The ladies have given you some awesome advice and I agree with them. Please know that the sisterhood has helped me to get through some very difficult and painful times in my life. These ladies are amazing -- what I love most about them is that they are non-judgemental.

Be encouraged and remember to pray and ask The Almighty to bring you through this situation. Whether you choose to stay or leave, may you find the love and peace that you both deserve. God bless and be encouraged my sisters!

A special thanks to Turiya, for those kind words!

Ladies,thanks for the encouraging words. I do feel a little better because I could have went to jail this morning. I wanted to do an AL Green special on his a$$ with that hot grease, but I decided against it and besides it's very cold in jail and the food is terrible. (SORRY, FLASH BACK MOMENT):)

Atownswifey- I am thinking all those same things- gurl i have the thongs, the little outfits, the killer high heels and I even have moves to go with them. I cook like a chef, and boy do i maintain this house!! Yeah well sex- he cant complain, and the other thing- i dont know he gets enough of that but he gets as much as I am willing to give!! Boy do I feel short changed, as in I cant possibly do anymore, i dont think i could possibly give anymore without losing my soul- I work part time- I go to law school full time- and yet every one of our friends calls me super woman because i get it all done!! What am i missing here??
Ivy woman-sister I have a lot of respect for you, that sermon you heard touched me all the way here. Sometimes we put all our faith in humans, when we have God, maybe I do need to look inward, at another relationship, I need a lot of strength. Thank yoou so much sisters, every single word you are saying both Atownsifey and I need to hear, you have no idea how lonely it can feel even when you are supposed to be with someone

[quote="atownswifey"]Ladies,thanks for the encouraging words. I do feel a little better because I could have went to jail this morning. I wanted to do an AL Green special on his a$$ with that hot grease, but I decided against it and besides it's very cold in jail and the food is terrible. (SORRY, FLASH BACK MOMENT):)
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Yeah the very sight of him makes me want to choke him....but honestly i dont feel like cleaning up the mess!

[quote="dreamgurl"]Ladies,thanks for the encouraging words. I do feel a little better because I could have went to jail this morning. I wanted to do an AL Green special on his a$$ with that hot grease, but I decided against it and besides it's very cold in jail and the food is terrible. (SORRY, FLASH BACK MOMENT):)

Yeah the very sight of him makes me want to choke him....but honestly i dont feel like cleaning up the mess!
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LOL! Oh I'm sorry was that suppose to be funny?

Of course. It beats crying, so sorry if you don't get it.

Nope ...I got it, that's why I laughed! But I didn't want to be offensive ..:)

NO offense taken. I wouldn't take it out on my vibride sista any way. I have got bigger fish to fry when I get home. I'm going to pray about everything when I get home, then make FH gravel. :)

[quote="dreamgurl"]Atownswifey- I am thinking all those same things- gurl i have the thongs, the little outfits, the killer high heels and I even have moves to go with them. I cook like a chef, and boy do i maintain this house!! Yeah well sex- he cant complain, and the other thing- i dont know he gets enough of that but he gets as much as I am willing to give!! Boy do I feel short changed, as in I cant possibly do anymore, i dont think i could possibly give anymore without losing my soul- I work part time- I go to law school full time- and yet every one of our friends calls me super woman because i get it all done!! What am i missing here??
Ivy woman-sister I have a lot of respect for you, that sermon you heard touched me all the way here. Sometimes we put all our faith in humans, when we have God, maybe I do need to look inward, at another relationship, I need a lot of strength. Thank yoou so much sisters, every single word you are saying both Atownsifey and I need to hear, you have no idea how lonely it can feel even when you are supposed to be with someone
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Sometimes, it doesn't matter what you have, how you look, how much money you have or how good you are to them, they tend to STRAY every now and then. LIke IVY said in so many words we have to let go and let GOD.

I am sorry, some of you may not like it but who cares. WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH. Why is it that woman always have to sit back and pray, and try to forgive. I am so sick of these men doing what the hell they want and we are automatically suppose to forgive them. Now if the damn shoe was on the other foot we would be whores, bitches, and everything else in the book and the would not think twice about taking us back. To each it's, but you have to ask yourself do I deserve to be with a man who is going to cheat on me weither its a kiss, just a conversation, a dinner, a fuck, or whatever. And how many times am I suppose to forgive and forget. There is too many disease in this world for knuckle heads to be out here cheating. And trust me there is noting that you ladies are doing wrong( because they are quick to turn it on you) they are just thinking with the wrong head. I hope everyone finds the strenght to do whats right for them if is to say in your current relationships or not. I also hope you ladies can come to some sort of peace with yourselves.

Thanks house. It's good to know everyone cares.

Damn ladies- i just got caught on VIbride- he read my post!!! Oh well its not like he didnt already know what was going on in my head- Anyway I will have to sneak on tomorrow for an update!! :O

House -- girl you betta preach!!!! Well said my sistah!

And the people said AMEN!

Ok and now what Dreamgurl -he read it, so now is he trying to flip it on you?

I am sorry for what you ladies are going through. I hope I NEVER have to go through that type of heartache, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. But the ladies are right....God will see you through.

As for House, she makes some valid points, and you have to know whats good for you. I think that the ladies also make great points about forgiveness, because its one thing to want people to forgive you when you're wrong, but its a WHOLE NOTHER THING to forgive others who have wronged you...It doesn't make you weak or silly to take a cheater back...its honestly a sign of true faith in God and love to do this....shoot what if God did us that way when we don't follow his command? And then we turn around and act like we can't forgive someone who wronged us? Even in the bible it says you should forgive those who wronged you before you ask God to forgive you.....Its also a test of strength and love....but whatever you decide to do, be ready to accept the consequences of trying again or deciding to call off the wedding. I think either or is okay.

Finally, always always remember the story of King Saul and King David....Saul was anointed to be king (because the people begged for a king to rule over them-so God, being a father, gave them what they asked for), but he didn't do what he was supposed to do...so when Samuel was mourning over the fact that Saul wasn't being a good King, God told Samuel....Take up your horn and go....for I have already anointed another king for my people! What does this all mean ladies?

1) When one man won't do the job he is becoming anointed to do...God will put the right one in his place!!!!!!!!!

2) Be careful what you ask God for! He is a father...and real fathers come through for their children (that'll be ya'll)...but are you truly ready for the task and responsibilites (wifeyhood, forgiveness, love, hurt, motherhood), etc......

[quote="Turiya"]And the people said AMEN!

Ok and now what Dreamgurl -he read it, so now is he trying to flip it on you?
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Turiya Girl he aint trying to tell me nothing- Not a damn thing I said wasnt true- so he was like I cant believe you are telling everyone my life story!! I was like whatever you violated me- those are my innermost thoughts and I am sharing with my sisters so piss off. Anywho- he couldnt flip it

Bumble- can you come and be my counselor or something?? Are you some sort of counselor- I am getting that vibe from you you always say things I think about seriously---i mean really a lot of self examination hmmm

Pam- you know what you are so right- and I am just giving myself my own alone time- mentally. I am just going to stay within the walls of my own head!! I am not going to keep asking him things- I am just going to get on with the business of living my own life, and see what God shows me. soon2bmsj so right I am not going to let it make me bitter and control my life...its not worth it.. and honestly it was bringing out the worst in me
Daughterrhonda, Ivy and Bumble-you are all just helping me and atownswifey hold it together- I already feel stronger, and taller.
housewife147 you sound like me two weeks ago- its amazing how one moment can change everything you stand for, and what you thought you were capable of.

Atown- my sister in pain- thank you for sharing with me, its like we are going through the same thing at the same time, how are you doing. You know hearing you made me feel better, I COMPLETELY understand how it feels to be let down when you give your all

Dreamgurl and Atown, the sisterhood has your back. I say that with total conviction. You guys are never alone. God bless!

[quote="dreamgurl"]And the people said AMEN!

Ok and now what Dreamgurl -he read it, so now is he trying to flip it on you?

Turiya Girl he aint trying to tell me nothing- Not a damn thing I said wasnt true- so he was like I cant believe you are telling everyone my life story!! I was like whatever you violated me- those are my innermost thoughts and I am sharing with my sisters so piss off. Anywho- he couldnt flip it

Bumble- can you come and be my counselor or something?? Are you some sort of counselor- I am getting that vibe from you you always say things I think about seriously---i mean really a lot of self examination hmmm

Pam- you know what you are so right- and I am just giving myself my own alone time- mentally. I am just going to stay within the walls of my own head!! I am not going to keep asking him things- I am just going to get on with the business of living my own life, and see what God shows me. soon2bmsj so right I am not going to let it make me bitter and control my life...its not worth it.. and honestly it was bringing out the worst in me
Daughterrhonda, Ivy and Bumble-you are all just helping me and atownswifey hold it together- I already feel stronger, and taller.
housewife147 you sound like me two weeks ago- its amazing how one moment can change everything you stand for, and what you thought you were capable of.

Atown- my sister in pain- thank you for sharing with me, its like we are going through the same thing at the same time, how are you doing. You know hearing you made me feel better, I COMPLETELY understand how it feels to be let down when you give your all
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Dreamgurl -I feel like you are doing the right thing ...giving you AND him some time to relate to what's happened.

Pay yourself some attention and doing things for yourself that you like ...that you would have normally put off.

Time heals all wounds ..In time you will be able to help another sister out with whatever decision you make.

I'm late with my response but OMG!! In have tears streaming down my face as I type. Dreamgurl and Atown, my heart goes out to you ladies. I have dealt with the same situation as well (I was hurt like that in some of my past relationships). Ladies, please don't think for a minute that this is your fault. Don't waste another minute wondering why he cheated. You will drive yourself crazy. I wish I had more to say but some of the sistas already said it first. Remember, the ultimate decision is YOURS. We cannot tell you to leave your FH or stay but we are here for you. Ask God to show you how to handle this. I'll keep you in my prayers. We love you and if you need me, let me know, I'll be there with my steel toe boots and vaseline!

Trust me sweetie I speak from experience. I was in a relationship with a guy who was a cheater, he would always try to make me think I was crazy and he was doing nothing, then he got caught and he told me that he felt like he couldn't talk to me, we was going through something and she was someone he could talk to( which was a bunch of bull)I had to come to the realization that I was worth more.

[quote="housewife147"]Trust me sweetie I speak from experience. I was in a relationship with a guy who was a cheater, he would always try to make me think I was crazy and he was doing nothing, then he got caught and he told me that he felt like he couldn't talk to me, we was going through something and she was someone he could talk to( which was a bunch of bull)I had to come to the realization that I was worth more.
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Nope, I'm not a counselor....But having lived life, you just pass on info to others that helped you (or you wished you would have done or thought of, or handled it) in the past. House....you are for real...at first you have to value yourself and know what you are worth.

I think that whole "fool me once" adage is true.... But I think even if you decide to get rid of a cheater, you should always try to make all decisions after some prayer...and trust...God don't mind cutting ties:) Stay strong ladies.

Dreamgurl & atownswifey... my heart goes out to you ladies. However I do believe that God will never let you into something you can't handle. Remember that He will never forsake you so pour your hearts out to him and HE will lead you towards the right path...

Dreamgurl and Atownswifey- how are you feeing now? It's been a few days since you last posted on here. My heart really goes out to you in this situation.

The girls have given great advice so far and I can't imagine what you guys have been going through lately. My first thought would be anger and I would literally want to kill FH. But what you girls are doing is right - taking time out to think about things properly - you both need to re-evaluate the state of your relationship and decide is this worth saving? More often that not, it is worth it because you ultimately love each other very much and the bond you have should be strong enough to survive whatever the world can throw. Just hang in there ladies - you are strong women that can overcome anything, whatever you decide...

I strongly believe everything happens for a reason. I would be blessed in the fact that GOD showed me what this guy is all about before I took that step and got married. GOD shows you things throughout life and it's up to you to act on them, or continue to ignore them and deal with the nonsense.

Hello everybody. Although this is my first post, I am not actually new to the site. I am currently engaged and for months I have been reading the wonderful advice given here. I never really took the time to become a member but after reading this forum, I knew I had to. You ladies are so blessed. I am also going through a similar situation and I kind of feel like I have no where to turn. I love my mom dearly but I don't want to burden her with this so I have been praying constantly. I have been so confused because I love my FH but I feel like he is not being truthful. I discovered that there are some condoms missing and I am not sure on how to deal with the situation. Because my FH knows I am struggling with trust issues, I feel he will deny it and say that I once again do not trust him. Ivy, the words from the sermon you heard really touched me. It touched me so much that while I was reading your message I broke down into tears and all I could do was thank God b/c I needed those words. My FH and I have already postponed the wedding and now I am having to decide if I want this relationship or not. I would greatly appreciate your prayers and I thank you so much for the advice that is posted. And for the ladies who are going through it now, I will be praying for you too.

First off welcome to the site. Secondly I dont mean to pry but how many times has your fh decieved you?

Welcome NeeCee84!

I am sorry about your sitution. Thanks for your kind words about the Vibrides....Like they said, things happen for a reason, and don't worry, if you decided not to go forth, God will bring you the man you deserve....I personally feel that if you even have suspicions, its worth discussing with him..If you cant get a straight answer, or he flips it and makes it seem like something's wrong with you, then you have a big decision to make. You're not worong for loving him, but House (one of the Vibrides) said something very important for us all to remember, and that is that you have to know you are worth more! Don't be a stranger, and all will work out for the good.

Thank you housewife and bumblebee for the welcome. You are not prying housewife, it actually feels good to be getting this off my chest. I have never actually caught him cheating or anything. Whatever info I do find is from snooping. I know it's wrong and I hate that I do it but if he wouldn't lie to me, I wouldn't always feel like I can't trust him. Just like when I found out that he was texting a female co-worker, I confronted him and I confessed that I had been looking through his phone. I thought that if I came clean, he would do the same. Well, we did talk about it but he said it was nothing for me to worry about and gave me all these reasons as to why I shouldn't worry. After dealing with that, we decided that we would postpone the wedding. Now, we are facing more issues because I told him I feel like I can't trust him and he doesn't see why not. Because I have never actually caught him in a lie, its hard to confront him about some things I know. I have been with him for 3 yrs. It hurts that our relationship seems to be failing because I really do think we could have a wonderful life together, but I can't deal with the lying.

Welcome NeeCee84! I'm glad that you came aboard, but I really sorry for the situation you are going thru. The ladies here are wonderful and will give you much support. I am going to go ahead and go with the majority of follow YOUR heart. You know what you feel, why you feel and how you feel so rely on that intuition and if you are a christian God's guidance. Be sincere when going to him for guidance and just know that whateve the outcome is it is God's will IF you listen and allow him to lead... :)

Welcome NeeCee84 and God Bless! I'd like to say that I am glad that you made a decision to post and get things off your chest. It is never good for anyone to suffer alone. We ladies here support each so strongly. Your instincts will never lead your wrong. You did mention that you were praying -- that is the best thing to do. God loves us and He wants what is best for his children. Continue to be open to His answer. If you are considering marrying or remaining in a relationship with your FH, you should be able to discuss your concerns with him. If he is truly concerned with your feeling and loves you, he should be able to have an open, candid discussion with you. If he has a problem with communication and talking with you -- or flips the script, then perhaps you have a decision to make. One way or the other remember to listen to your inner voice and for God's direction. You are not alone my sister -- be encouraged!

[quote="DiamondBride"]Dreamgurl and Atownswifey- how are you feeing now? It's been a few days since you last posted on here. My heart really goes out to you in this situation.

The girls have given great advice so far and I can't imagine what you guys have been going through lately. My first thought would be anger and I would literally want to kill FH. But what you girls are doing is right - taking time out to think about things properly - you both need to re-evaluate the state of your relationship and decide is this worth saving? More often that not, it is worth it because you ultimately love each other very much and the bond you have should be strong enough to survive whatever the world can throw. Just hang in there ladies - you are strong women that can overcome anything, whatever you decide...
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Well I feel a little better, but I also felt myself being a little distant from him this weekend. No joking around and playing. Of course we talked and he gave me some old bull**** line, but I am still leary of the situation. He talked about wedding stuff to get me to talking which was a "big deal" to him beacause he would usually say ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GET MY GUYS TOGETHER AND GO PICK OUT TUXES WHATEVER YOU PUT TOGETHER IS FINE, but I let him know that if anything like this happen again, I'M OUT. I can't keep putting up with nonsense, because if the shoe was on the other foot, he would have left me with no way to give an explaination. Hell he probably would have tried to bury me without a trace. You know he like to watch CSI. :)

Welcome NeeCee84. I too am sorry for what you are going through but I hope something that's been said will bring you strength, comfort and decisiveness.

Hey NeeCee84 - welcome to the site!! I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through but you will find a way through this. You need to talk things through with FH - no matter how long it takes, or how difficult it is to keep having these same old conversations. If he wants to put your mind at rest and the trust to get back into your relationship, he will do whatever it takes.

You've postponed the wedding for a reason. Use this time to work through the trust issues you have.....TOGETHER!

Glad to hear things are a little better Atownswifey!

Dream Gurl, where are you? We're not hearing from you at all!!!

The advice given has been so helpful. Thanks ladies!

I AM HERE!! I am always here ladies. First off, I have been taking time to listen to him and to listen to my heart and to talk to God. I am a firm believer in faith and trust, and thats the thing that hurt me so much, that my best friend could violate all the trust I had in him. We are working on it, its so so so so so hard, and yeah I sometimes feel like I could never love him again the way I used to. But this is the first big test of our relationship, and yeah we both know that I could NEVER EVER do this again- You know that old mantra- fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you. He knows it will never ever happen again. I dont want to be a woman who does not trust her man, I dont want to be reading his texts, his phone bill, always on edge. Thats not the life for me. I know its not because my father was always unfaithful to my mom, and even as a child I began to be suspicious of him when he turned up in the wee hours of the morning etc. I cant do this in my life, it goes against everything I believe in. NeeCee my heart goes out to you because you have been living in this perpetual fear that something is going on. Its so exhausting isnt it?? And the sad thing is that if you look hard enough, you probably will find something, because a woman has her intuition. What is it that makes you snoop? I know that the ONE time i snooped was because my heart told me that something was wrong, but I wasnt sure what. Can you live in that zone of not knowing??
The problem is, he needs to come clean, and thats the hardest thing for these men? Have you ever confronted him about the condoms?

You have to remember, I think there are two types of men in the world, one whose worth it, and the other who isnt worth it. Listen to the sisters, they make you think about things from ALL DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES - trust me, everyone on this board cares, and they will give you the BEST advice they can. The sermon IVY talks about helped me a lot, you forget that if you dont trust man you have GOD. Listen to House, she is a cynic. Not because she doesnt understand, but because yeah she keeps it real. Sometimes these guys arent worth it, and sometimes we do deserve betterUnderlined Text But for just listen to your heart- you are the best judge of what your heart can handle. And marriage isnt just about the next couple of months or years, its about till death do us part. Thats what I have been thinking about, I have been thinking about the kind of 'forever' i want

[quote="atownswifey"]Dreamgurl and Atownswifey- how are you feeing now? It's been a few days since you last posted on here. My heart really goes out to you in this situation.

The girls have given great advice so far and I can't imagine what you guys have been going through lately. My first thought would be anger and I would literally want to kill FH. But what you girls are doing is right - taking time out to think about things properly - you both need to re-evaluate the state of your relationship and decide is this worth saving? More often that not, it is worth it because you ultimately love each other very much and the bond you have should be strong enough to survive whatever the world can throw. Just hang in there ladies - you are strong women that can overcome anything, whatever you decide...

Well I feel a little better, but I also felt myself being a little distant from him this weekend. No joking around and playing. Of course we talked and he gave me some old bull**** line, but I am still leary of the situation. He talked about wedding stuff to get me to talking which was a "big deal" to him beacause he would usually say ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GET MY GUYS TOGETHER AND GO PICK OUT TUXES WHATEVER YOU PUT TOGETHER IS FINE, but I let him know that if anything like this happen again, I'M OUT. I can't keep putting up with nonsense, because if the shoe was on the other foot, he would have left me with no way to give an explaination. Hell he probably would have tried to bury me without a trace. You know he like to watch CSI. :)
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Aint it funny Atownswifey- my FH has been ALL ABOUT THE BIG DAY!! Yeah I think we kindled that fear in them, and all of a sudden they want us to know that they care about this just as much as they do!! Its so funny, for the first time I am thinking less about the big day than he is!! Dont even think if the foot was on the other side...LOL..yeah dont.

Thanks dreamgurl. It's VERY EXHAUSTING not knowing. When he acts weird towards me, that's when I get suspicious. Just like when I counted the condoms. I had just came back from spending the weekend with family. When I came home, I got this bad vibe from him. He was watching football and when I came in he barely spoke to me. I didn't get a "I miss you" or nothing. But anytime he's watching football and he wants something from me, the game isn't important. But when I want something he doesn't want to be bothered. That day I had noticed that there was a new box of condoms but it was already opened so I counted them and two were missing. I now wonder what happened that weekend and why are there condoms missing, but I don't want him to know that I have been snooping again.

I remember another day he was kind of distant from me. After not saying much to me at all the whole day, he receives a text. He goes back and forth with this person for a while and in the back of my mind I'm thinking he doesn't have much to say to me but he can sure carry on a conversation with someone else. Well, the next day I take a look at his text messages and I find one that said "I still want you though". I couldn't believe my eyes. My heart had sunk so low into my stomach. I kept trying to tell myself that it was not what I thought it was. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. After having this battle go on in my head most of the day, I finally confronted him. He was shocked that I had gone through his phone and said that the message didn't mean what I thought it meant. Then he went on to say that he doesn't want her b/c she has a man and a kid. "She's just a coworker". I listened to him but it was hard to believe him after what I had seen. Dreamgurl, I too think I am going to think about the forever I want and if he can't give me that then I will just have to let go. He knows he can always trust me and I feel like I should feel the same about him. I want to believe the best in him, but it's so hard.

This is so sad... its time that guys realise what it really means to ask for somebody's hand-in-marriage. That means commitment, loyalty and above all respect... By inviting God into your situations you've already taken the first step to claiming a life you so rightfully deserve! My prayers are with all of you...